I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
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He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
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There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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