too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
