On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
BRING THE BAGELS
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
