so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
