I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
