I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
