Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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