Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
