my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
