You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
