I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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