if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
