I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight