I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?