Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
