i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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