walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
