I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
