i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
