i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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