So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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