burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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