I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
