I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
