Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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