Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
