Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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