3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
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