i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Randomize
