shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
