I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize