He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
