you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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