if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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