1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
