life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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