Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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