do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
