i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Randomize
