I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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