you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
