I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
