I'm gonna have a badass scar
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
