so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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