how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
