Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
