saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
