apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I understand Curling. That high.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
