Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
