I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
