Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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