Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
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My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
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Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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