And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
