So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
