True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
