I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
