you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
