You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
