Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
