its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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