Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
