I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
