but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
